Grief is one of the most complex psychological processes a person can go through. Although many believe that the loss of a loved one can cause sadness for their loved ones for a period of time, and then give way to a new normal. The truth is that this path is usually much more complex and lasting than it seems at first, especially if the closest environment does not offer the type of support you need.
The grieving process doesn’t just begin with a loss; It can also occur after the absence of a loved one or their abandonment. This gives rise to strong emotional symptoms such as anxiety, fear, guilt or, in the most severe cases, depression. It is at this moment where the family and closest environment must learn how to manage the situation and provide much-needed security and understanding who are going through this process.
However, and even with the best of intentions, there are different behaviors and phrases that can make people worse. That is why José González, a psychologist with more than 20 years of experience in grief management, offers a series of recommendations for family members, friends and colleagues in whose environment you are. a person going through one of these hard times.
A common and well-intentioned phrase that can cause a lot of harm to the mourner
As the professional explains, there is a phrase often repeated by those people who want to accompany those who are in the process of grieving, but it can cause more harm than benefit. This is none other than. “You will see that with time it will pass“. A belief that, although well-intentioned, causes a feeling of stagnation and lack of understanding in those who are managing the loss or abandonment of a loved one.
“This is one of the biggest lies that can be told to a mourner,” says José González. Well, time is given an ability that it does not possess, that of making everything better without having to take any action to do so. However, contrary to popular belief, “time heals nothing. What heals is what you do with that time and who you do it with.” Hence the importance of starting psychological treatment.
“When you promise someone that time will heal them, you are lying to him about two things: that there will come a day when it will stop hurting, and that, if it continues to hurt, after that day something goes wrong with it,” he says. There is a belief that the grieving process usually occurs between 6 months following the death or abandonment and one year. However, and as the psychologist recalls, this time is different for each person.
The grieving process does not always last a year, it can extend
This is because, in order for the process to be closed definitively, usually it is necessary to go through different phases. Firstly, the most common thing is to feel denial in relation to the loss or absence, especially after experiencing a highly emotionally charged situation or receiving shocking news. Subsequently, anger and negotiation arrive, where an attempt is made to resolve an issue that can no longer be modified.
The last step before acceptance is fear or depression, where the person allows themselves to feel all the sadness and pain that this situation has caused. This process is not static, so those who are going through this process can experience it in a different order and with a longer or shorter duration, It could be months or even several years.. Therefore, when the environment does not offer that understanding and begins to become impatient for an improvement that does not come, the mourners usually begin to feel guilt.
The importance of naming the deceased and staying to listen
“In consultation I see people every week who at 5, 10, 15 years old are still going through their grief, carrying the guilt of not getting over it“, explains González based on his 20 years of experience as a psychologist. The problem is that many people treat grief as if it were an illness that could be cured with a simple treatment. But, as he remembers, “grief is not cured, it is worked on, integrated, digested. “It is not a flu that passes, it is a loss that is incorporated into your biography.”
However, and as he explains, “after a year they give you social status, they say. And there appears the disavowal, the silenced mourning. And every silenced duel ends up getting complicated“. Because of this, those close to them must learn to listen to the mourner and make them feel accompanied and, above all, heard. Therefore, one should not promise that time will heal everything, but rather ask about the person who died, name him or her and stay to listen to him.