It is quite common to associate the feeling of anger with a strong character; However, this is not always true. As Sonia Díaz Rois explained for La Razón, this type of reaction is due to prior training of the brain, which decides to activate the response before having the opportunity to choose a different one. Something that usually provokes the start of an argument.
As the mentor and coach specialized in anger management explains, “we find plenty of reasons to get angry. The question is why we are arguing.” Although the origin of this reaction may be clear, it is quite common that, once the discussion begins, arguments appear in which previous attitudes are reproached and forget the purpose for which it was started.
That is why the expert avoids focusing on what caused the discussion and focuses on what is sought from this exchange of ideas. Well, although we tend to think of the negative connotation of this type of conversation, the truth is that, well managed, They can help solve a problem or improve the relationship among those who participate in it. Something that fades when one of them begins to fight to be right.
Discussions can help solve problems
The specialist in anger management and conscious communication remembers that discussions and disagreements are “part of any relationship”, especially when you have a close bond, live together or have different ideas about life. Although This does not always indicate a lack of compatibilitybut the intention of both parties to reach an agreement in which they feel comfortable and heard.
“A discussion can serve to try to solve a problem, express something we need, or simply put on the table that we see things differently,” he explains. However, on some occasions anger can cause one of the parties to stop listening or trying to understand why the other person had that reaction. Something that, although it may be unconscious, can have quite negative consequences.
It is important not to focus on the why, but on what the discussion is looking for.
According to the author of the book ‘And if I get angry, what?’, the lack of management of these types of feelings can create a trap for those who experience them. That is why, before reacting impulsively, and as the brain is accustomed to doing, it is important to take a few minutes of reflection to determine what is sought with the discussion generated by said anger, and not so much on the why of this.
“The reason for our anger is usually quite clear to us. We have plenty of reasons and, furthermore, this feeling knows how to justify itself very well,” he recalls. However, if a person gets carried away and does not determine the reason why they have decided to start an argument with the other person, it is quite easy to get lost in a simple exchange of accusations that they don’t always come to fruition.
“When the objective is to win, someone is going to lose,” Sonia Díaz Rois
That is why it is so common that, as the expert explains, people continue to want to argue even though the other party has already acknowledged that they understand the reason for their anger. “At that moment it seems that it is not enough. We no longer just want him to understand us. We want him to recognize that we are right,” he says. What causes the exchange to continue until one of the two has the false feeling of having won.
“When the objective is to win an argument, someone is going to lose. And it is quite difficult to reach an agreement with someone whom we have just turned into our opponent. When, in reality, we probably both want to solve the same thing,” says Sonia Díaz Rois. A solution that will never come if it is not clear What do you want to change when the conversation ends?.
Although being clear about this does not guarantee that the discussion will end satisfactorily, as the emotional management expert admits, the truth is that it does avoid entering a negative loop for both parties. In short, what Sonia Díaz Rois recommends is to stop seeing discussions as a simple fight with a winner and a loser, and focus on get all participants to understand each other a little better.