Meet your children’s friends It seems like a simple request. For many parents, it is a way to take an interest in their lives and stay calm when they leave the house. That is why it is disconcerting when a teenager rejects the proposal, changes the conversation or asks that they not come up to say hello when they are with their group.
The reaction may raise suspicions about those friendships. However, refusal alone does not prove that you are hiding a problem. Sometimes it responds to something more everyday, such as embarrassment at a possible family joke or the desire to have relationships that do not go through the constant adult supervision.
During adolescence, decisions about what to tell at home. A child can ask for help with studies and reserve a discussion with a friend. This difference is relevant to understand their behavior, because not all the information it stores has the same meaning.
Why they prefer to keep their friends and family apart
Parents know a version of their children that includes memories, customs and anecdotes from childhood. Friends share other codes. Bringing both groups together can cause discomfort in a teenager who is beginning to decide. how you want to show yourself to others.
Perhaps you are worried that your mother will tell a story that embarrasses you or that your father will comment on a classmate’s clothing. You may also fear that a presentation will lead to continuous questions about that friendship. They are possible explanations, not conclusions that should be taken for granted.
The need for privacy appears in research on family communication. A study of Judith G. Smetana and other authors of the University of Rochesterpublished in Journal of Adolescenceexamined how 118 teenagers They decided what to share with their parents.
The researchers found that the reasons for withholding information depended on the issue. When young people considered it personal, they tended to avoid the conversation. In other situations it weighed fear of parental disapproval. In matters related to their colleagues, both reasons could coincide.
The study did not specifically analyze the refusal to introduce friendsso it does not allow attributing a single cause. It does show why it is important to find out what is behind the silence before interpreting it as a deception.
An introduction doesn’t tell the whole story of a friendship.
For adults, giving friends a face usually brings peace of mind. But knowing them for a few minutes is not enough to know how they relate to your child or what influence they have on him.
This difference is present in another work, headed by Beth Bourdeau and published in Journal of Child and Family Studies. From 173 interviews with parents and caregiversthe authors studied how they obtained information about their adolescent children’s friendships.
Families relied on direct contact with friends, what their children said, and information from other people. Some also resorted to assumptions. The work distinguishes between know who a teenager is dating and really get to know their friendstwo issues that do not always go hand in hand.
The researchers also suggest that parental intervention in friendships can come into tension with autonomy of older adolescents. The interest of adults and the desire for independence of children can coincide in the same situation without either fully understanding the other’s position.
Ask what bothers you before insisting
Instead of repeating the request to take your friends home, the conversation can start with What bothers you about that meeting?. The answer allows us to talk about something concrete. If you fear certain comments, limits can be agreed upon. If you’re overwhelmed by hosting a family meal, a brief greeting may be more comfortable.
Privacy can also coexist with security regulations. Knowing where he will be, with whom and how he will return does not require knowing every conversation in the group. These agreements should be tailored to their age and circumstances, explaining what information parents need and why.
It is also important to note whether this is a habitual preference or a sudden change. A refusal accompanied by fear, isolation or discomfort deserves a more in-depth conversation. That alone does not identify the cause, but it does give reason to ask how it is.
When the adolescent explains what worries him, it is advisable to pay attention to that response. If you have asked not to tell personal stories in front of your friends, respect it in the next meeting It is a concrete way to demonstrate that talking to your parents helps you reach agreements.