To a parent, the reason for tears may seem small. For your child, at that moment, it may be difficult to explain. This difference is behind the reflection that the neuropsychologist Alvaro Bilbao share on TikTok about how we respond to child crying and what happens when we try to stop it without understanding what caused it.
The expert suggests starting by offering help. “When we offer our help, our children know they can count on us”he explains. Thus, the conversation can focus on finding out what is happening to the little one, even if at first he only manages to express it with tears.
Understanding this need is difficult if the adult is only concerned about making sure the child stops crying. In his intervention, Bilbao invites us to change the focus of the visible reaction to what is causing it.
When the adult does not understand the reason for the tears
The difficulty appears when parents and children experience the same situation in a different way. The adult may consider that what happened is not important and question the crying from that perspective. However, this response does not necessarily resolve the discomfort that the child is trying to communicate.
Bilbao sums up the problem with a warning. “When we question a child for crying, we only teach him that he has to cry harder to be heard”. According to their explanation, discussing the reasons for the tears can make the child feel less understood and express their discomfort more intensely.
The reflection is directed, therefore, to the response of the elderly. The psychologist suggests that show interest in what is happening It offers the child a way to communicate, instead of making his way of expressing emotion the center of the discussion.
Ask what you need so we can help you
In the video, the specialist relates this willingness to listen with the possibility of understanding the child better. “When we focus on what the child needs, it will be much easier for them to tell us how we can help them”he points out.
His proposal involves approaching with an understanding tone and giving space to that explanation. The first step he describes is simple, although in a moment of tension it may be difficult to put it into practice. Before assessing whether the child has sufficient reasons to cry, it is important to find out what has happened to him.
For Bilbao, offering help allows the child to know that they can go to their parents when they are bad. That is the response he proposes to tears, even when the adult still does not understand their cause.